I am sorry…
I am sorry…
I am sorry it has been quiet here recently.
Recently I have been saying those 3 words a lot. More in my head than out aloud. I guess if I say them out aloud then it becomes real. And to be honest recently things are too real. Sometimes taking the ostrich approach gets you through the tough times.
In many ways my family has survived the recent Lock Down and the effects of COVID- 19, in the sense that I haven’t lost a loved on to the virus. We have weathered the storm but have to come out unscathed, mostly financially. The effects of COVID-19 on our economy has been catastrophic in many sectors and the long-lasting ramifications of this virus are yet to be seen.
Being at home and not being able to go out and about has left me alone with my thoughts – sometimes a bad place to be. I have lane awake at night thinking of all the things that could go wrong and the things that have gone wrong. I ended up making long lists of things that I need to say Sorry for.
I am a Bad mom. I’m sorry my darling Em that I am a bad mom. I’m not like the other moms who can think up creative activities to keep you busy. I’m Sorry that I sometimes snap at you when this all seems to much! I’m Sorry I don’t have the ability to help you with your struggles and sometimes blame myself for them. I’m sorry I didn’t pick up your hearing problem earlier. I am sorry that sometimes I was so distracted that you were put second. You don’t deserve to be second in line.
Mostly I am sorry that I haven’t told you more that you are special and beautiful, lively and smart. You are literally the best part of my life and are loved to be yond measure.
To my husband (long suffering) Sorry I have been a Bad wife. I wish that I could carry some of your burden, share the load a bit more. I know everything that you do, you are doing to give Em and I the best life possible. The sacrifices and hard work do not go unnoticed. Em adores you and idolizes you. For the last few years, you have shouldered not only the financial weight of the family but also the emotional weight, oh boy at times it has been heavy! Love you.
This time has amplified how much I miss my mom. Amplified how much I miss her advice and the quick “Bitch chats”. I miss those random calls where she would call to complain about the pigeons that pooped on her patio. How she would complain that Bob took too long to fix things around the house, that Paddy (My brother) doesn’t phone for Mother’s Day or the Lindy (my sister) has t replied to the latest email. The longer I parent, the more I hear your voice. Sometimes I have to stop and think “Oh boy, I just sounded like my mom”, now I know that probably is not such a bad thing. I am sorry I did not spend more time with you while you were ill. You honestly deserved better.
I’m sorry I have been a Bad friend. Im sorry I haven’t kept in contact with everyone. I have been slow to reply to messages and emails. You all deserve better. I do love the Zoom calls, but they make me miss you more!
I am also a bad Blogger. I’m sorry to all my readers and followers for posting inconsistently. Many brands have received emails from me apologizing that I haven’t gotten to their Press Release yet. I will post something but need to clear my back log. Trying to home-school my daughter (oh something else to add to my Sorry List!), cleaning and trying to keep my family alive has taken precedence. I am sorry I haven’t been able to give all the brands time and space on my page. I am sorry I am not a creative genius that can pull campaigns together in seconds. I have had to select a few campaigns that I know I can deliver good quality content.
Recently I have started to do Public Relations, in a freelance capacity. I’m so excited to be working again! It also comes with a lot of guilt. Am I doing the brands justice? Am I being productive enough? Oh no, I have to work but Em needs me! You know, the normal Working Mom issues…
I can keep saying I’m sorry. I can keep apologizing but I know in my heart I am doing my best. Sometimes I fail (a lot and in a big way) but I am trying.
Mostly I am sorry for not being perfect. No one is. Writing this list has made me realize I felt guilty for not being perfect, for not being able to do it all. When I thought I was doing it all, I was so stressed and dropping balls everywhere . Strangely enough, over the past few weeks I have relished in the gorgeous snuggles in the morning with Em. I have taken pride in the artwork she produces and marveled at the awesome little human that Em has become.
Do you feel you say Sorry alot?