Finding joy, finding Karen
This year started a bit differently for me than the past few years, as I made the decision to be a Stay at Home Mom. This ludicrous idea came after my husband and I had a fight. I was exhausted after a long and grueling day at the office, a child who was having a temper tantrum (two-year old’s – aren’t they delightful) trying to cook dinner, which I ended up burning. My husband told me I was stressed and that I needed a hobby. A Hobby! I literally wanted to smack him! When the hell would I find time for a hobby! Between work, keeping a child alive and brushing my teeth I didn’t have a second free. When I did have free time, all I wanted to do was sleep fall into a deep long sleep to rest my weary mind. In hind sight I was probably suffering from depression and nearing on a mental breakdown.
“You should get a hobby or take up a sport”, said with all the flippancy of a guy who had just rocked up at home from surfing, still with the salt on his skin and sand in his toes.“ you should really find a way to de-stress and find something that you enjoy doing…”
It was at this point that I couldn’t hear my husband any more because my mind was in over drive. I realized, I didn’t have any hobbies, I had no clue what I liked any more, nothing got me excited anymore and nothing gave me joy. I had lost joy. I had lost Karen.
I have the most gorgeous little girl and I couldn’t find a moment to drink in her perfectness. She would want to wrap her arms around my neck for a cuddle or show me a flower in the garden – but I was to busy. Too busy? Too busy doing what? Stressing about a deadline, stressing about an email I didn’t reply to, stressing about… well just stressing. I realized I was on a verge of a mental and physical breakdown for nothing. If I was fatally wounded or had a stroke, work would carry on, clients would carry on. It was only be my family and friends whom would feel my departure from the world. The people I care about the most got the worst of me, a frazzled me, a shadow of what I used to be. Bosses would hire another Account Manager, clients would find a new company to handle their account and it would be business as usual, but my family would be the ones whom would morn. So why was I giving my family my worst?
Death and loss have a morbid way of giving one perspective. My mother passed away from brief but horrendous battle with cancer. My mother was a force of nature whose presence was felt by all those whom met her. Losing my mother was another catalyst to my decision to leave my job. I needed time for my soul to heal.
‘You should get a hobby…You should get a hobby…” So, what is a hobby, I consulted my dictionary and I discovered:
the dictionary definition of a hobby: noun
an activity done regularly in one's leisure time for pleasure.
"her hobbies are reading and gardening"
synonyms:
pastime, leisure activity, leisure pursuit, leisure interest, amateur interest, sideline, diversion, avocation, divertissement, enthusiasm
I had no hobbies, I did nothing with enthusiasm, I didnt know what interested me anymore, I didn’t know me. Somewhere along the path of doing everything right, life just started feeling so utterly wrong.
But I did everything I was supposed to do, I followed the script:
· Was a good kid, didn’t get into too much trouble
· Passed High School and got into a college of my choice
· Studied at college and passed, obtaining my degree
· Got a job
· Met a Guy (my now Husband)
· Got engaged
· Got married
· Bought a house
· Got a pet
· Had a kid
I did everything I was supposed to do, this is the recipe we are told to follow to have a happy life. October 2018, I decided screw this! I want joy, I want adventure, I want to bring passion back into my life! The only person who can do that is me. So, for a short period of time, I’m going off script and improvising the hell out of 2019. I’m no longer going to be a co-star in my own life but the protagonist.
Unsure of my next move but full of hope. Here’s to finding my spark, my passion and rediscovering Karen.