Finding joy, finding Karen
This year started a bit differently for me than the past few years, as I made the decision to be a Stay at Home Mom. This ludicrous idea came after my husband and I had a fight. I was exhausted after a long and grueling day at the office, a child who was having a temper tantrum (two-year old’s – aren’t they delightful) trying to cook dinner, which I ended up burning. My husband told me I was stressed and that I needed a hobby. A Hobby! I literally wanted to smack him! When the hell would I find time for a hobby! Between work, keeping a child alive and brushing my teeth I didn’t have a second free. When I did have free time, all I wanted to do was sleep fall into a deep long sleep to rest my weary mind. In hind sight I was probably suffering from depression and nearing on a mental breakdown.
“You should get a hobby or take up a sport”, said with all the flippancy of a guy who had just rocked up at home from surfing, still with the salt on his skin and sand in his toes.“ you should really find a way to de-stress and find something that you enjoy doing…”
It was at this point that I couldn’t hear my husband any more because my mind was in over drive. I realized, I didn’t have any hobbies, I had no clue what I liked any more, nothing got me excited anymore and nothing gave me joy. I had lost joy. I had lost Karen.
I have the most gorgeous little girl and I couldn’t find a moment to drink in her perfectness. She would want to wrap her arms around my neck for a cuddle or show me a flower in the garden – but I was to busy. Too busy? Too busy doing what? Stressing about a deadline, stressing about an email I didn’t reply to, stressing about… well just stressing. I realized I was on a verge of a mental and physical breakdown for nothing. If I was fatally wounded or had a stroke, work would carry on, clients would carry on. It was only be my family and friends whom would feel my departure from the world. The people I care about the most got the worst of me, a frazzled me, a shadow of what I used to be. Bosses would hire another Account Manager, clients would find a new company to handle their account and it would be business as usual, but my family would be the ones whom would morn. So why was I giving my family my worst?
Death and loss have a morbid way of giving one perspective. My mother passed away from brief but horrendous battle with cancer. My mother was a force of nature whose presence was felt by all those whom met her. Losing my mother was another catalyst to my decision to leave my job. I needed time for my soul to heal.
‘You should get a hobby…You should get a hobby…” So, what is a hobby, I consulted my dictionary and I discovered:
the dictionary definition of a hobby: noun
an activity done regularly in one's leisure time for pleasure.
"her hobbies are reading and gardening"
pastime, leisure activity, leisure pursuit, leisure interest, amateur interest, sideline, diversion, avocation, divertissement, enthusiasm
I had no hobbies, I did nothing with enthusiasm, I didnt know what interested me anymore, I didn’t know me. Somewhere along the path of doing everything right, life just started feeling so utterly wrong.
But I did everything I was supposed to do, I followed the script:
· Was a good kid, didn’t get into too much trouble
· Passed High School and got into a college of my choice
· Studied at college and passed, obtaining my degree
· Got a job
· Met a Guy (my now Husband)
· Got engaged
· Got married
· Bought a house
· Got a pet
· Had a kid
I did everything I was supposed to do, this is the recipe we are told to follow to have a happy life. October 2018, I decided screw this! I want joy, I want adventure, I want to bring passion back into my life! The only person who can do that is me. So, for a short period of time, I’m going off script and improvising the hell out of 2019. I’m no longer going to be a co-star in my own life but the protagonist.
Unsure of my next move but full of hope. Here’s to finding my spark, my passion and rediscovering Karen.